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(Bar)revelation…

11 Feb

Revelation noun a surprising and previously unknown fact that has been disclosed to others.

Barrevelation – surprising and unknown facts randomly disclosed to you during second position plies.

I have been going to Barre classes on and off for a while now, i have over 100 classes under my belt. You’d think i’d have this stuff figured out. You’d think.

I have an unbreakable habit of always seeing the worst in me. I am not curvy, i am fat. I am not 5’3″ (5’1″ if i’m being honest), i am dumpy. I am not short sighted, i have terrible taste in glasses. I am not clever, funny, creative… If you were to ask me i’d tell you that i don’t do anything very well. I am below average to average on a good day. I’ve carried this belief with me for most of my life, nothing was likely to change it. Until last Saturday when a little spark fired somewhere inside and now it won’t go away no matter how hard i try and smother it.

Last Saturday, before starting an open barre class (a mixed ability class with everyone working at their own level) i did something i very rarely do.

I took my glasses off.

Ground breaking? Not in the grand scheme of things. But it completely changed my focus in that class. Normally i’m looking around wondering how i compare to other people, admiring toned legs, arms, flat stomachs fighting back a hint of jealousy. Always thinking “what if i could be like that? I wish that I…”. Without glasses, i couldn’t see anyone. Everyone was a fuzzy jumble of colours and shapes, not really like other people at all. So it was me, my inner saboteur and Maxine our Instructor. The effect? I 100% focused on myself. I didn’t care what was going on around me because i couldn’t see it, i could look down and see myself and that was it.

I didn’t realise this until the end of second position plies. My thighs were on fire! I hadn’t put that much effort into fighting the ‘you can’t do this, you can’t finish this set’ internal voice in a long time. But you can. You can finish it, it hurts, but you can do it. It might not be pretty, it might not be elegant, it might not look as good or be as deep or anything like the next person in the room. But it is the best you can do. Not the best that someone else can do.

Was it the best class i’ve done in a while, maybe not technically, maybe i’m not in the best shape i’ve been in, but the mental battle had been won. Yes, it’s scary, yes it hurts, yep you’re going to feel it tomorrow and the next day. BRX is still going to be an uphill struggle, but it doesn’t matter! It’s your uphill struggle.

Fight your own fight. Own it. Be the best you can possibly be not the best that someone else can be!

Now what? That little spark i mentioned earlier? It’s still there, doing it’s best to light the way, it’s changed the way i feel about my barre class, it’s a competition with myself not anyone else. I won’t compare myself to anyone else now, remember that they’re fighting their own battles too. I’m not saying i won’t stop the self criticism, that won’t go away overnight. But i know that when i get to the barre for an hour i have an hour to take care of me, and be the best me i can be, if only for a short time.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Dr Seuss

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2 Comments

Posted by on February 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

2 responses to “(Bar)revelation…

  1. bakerbex

    February 11, 2015 at 7:50 pm

    I absolutely love this post. It’s so true. I too have struggled with very negative thoughts about every aspect of myself to the point of crying everyday and hating that I had to be me. But I worked very hard and with help from my closest people and I’m now feeling so much better and it starts with stopping comparing yourself to others. Keep going girl! You’re awesome!

     
    • misskatycreates

      February 11, 2015 at 8:01 pm

      We speak to ourselves so harshly sometimes, and it’s a really long process to acceptance. I’m so pleased that you’re feeling better – it’s good to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!

       

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